The Invisible Face of Infertility

By Connie Shapiro, PhD

Mar 1 2010 - In thinking about the many faces of infertility that I mentioned in my last posting, the most prominent one in my mind, ironically, is the invisible face. Adopted by both couples and individuals, this face comes across as having hardly a hint of the developing anguish felt inside. Of course "face" in this context means far more than eyes, nose and mouth. It really captures how you present yourself to the outside world where infertility merits not a word to loved ones, and you resolve to carry on as usual.

If you are in the early months of an infertility workup or the recipient of a recent diagnosis, or if you are someone who guards your privacy, an invisible face may feel like a safe way of figuring out how, whether or when to disclose news of your infertility. "So what's the big deal?" you may ask. Isn't the invisible face a perfectly good option? The answer is both "yes" and "no." I'll start with the reasoning for "yes."

* An infertility diagnosis is an unexpected and an unwelcome piece of news. You need time to digest it, to gather information, to learn from your doctors and to make sense of this with your partner. During that time it can feel best to remain silent on the topic until you believe you have answers for the inevitable questions that others may pose once you become more open about your news.
* You may feel a sense of denial, mixed with hopefulness that this infertility is temporary and will respond to the recommended treatments. In that sense you see no point in getting loved ones all stirred up about something that you hope will be a mere glitch in your plans to build your family.
* Depending on the diagnosis and recommendations for treatment, you may feel in shock as you contemplate medical interventions, lengthy appointments with infertility specialists, and a diminishing bank account. There are no words to capture this jolt in your life, so you initially choose silence.
* You may perceive a diagnosis of infertility as such an assault to your self esteem that you need your invisible face just to be able to hold your head up each day.
* You and your partner may disagree on whether to tell anyone and, if so, how much to reveal. While trying to figure this out, you both adopt the invisible face until you can come up with a plan for disclosing news of your diagnosis and the emotional reactions each of you is having.

All of the "yes" bullets listed above make sense, at least for a time. But after a while, as you and your partner have only one another to turn to for emotional support, you are likely to experience infertility as an increasingly heavy burden. You also may experience it as a source of conflict. Therein lies the foundation for my list of "no's" that target why an invisible face may not be such a good option in the long run...Read more...


Source: Psychology Today